It's been a wet weekend, and a wetter Monday since the games begin this past Saturday at noon! All y'all sexy snipers young and old are taking to the game like a fish to a frying pan: terrified, but you know it will end up just scrumptious.
But enough of the introduction. Let's talk about death, baby.
Obituaries for Saturday, February 25th
The charming Caitlin "I know we look alike, but I'm a better actor, I promise" Brockell was the first to fall in this devil's game at the hands of Dena Kline. She notified me at about 1:30pm, meaning she died within the first hour and a half, which was - in her words, not mine-"kinda pathetic". Try again next year, Caitlin!
My favorite kill so far was of the youthful Max Seijas at the hands of the alluring Anna Holmes. The kill was not as amusing as the fact that Max copied my phone number wrong, and subsequently sent the following text to a very worried woman. "Fuck! I was shot by Anna Holmes :( thought I was going to work on a scene for 59 but here she comes, out of nowhere, and shoots me in the chest! So devious." her response: "GO TO THE HOSPITAL!" A confused conversation ensued. Clearly she didn't realize that he was dead, and the hospital couldn't save him now. Nothing could save him now.
Oh, Rita. You psychopath. The details of the following two lover's deaths are blurry, as were the two when they occurred. First, Rita slaughtered Cody Dericks in front of his closest friends in the comfort of his own room. Memorial services commenced. Next, Rita put Matthew Engle out of his mourning misery at the loss of his sweet prince Cody, as he was drinking his sorrows away at hauss. Apparently Rita thought he needed a little more liquid and shot him in a mercy killing. You are such a thoughtful murderess.
Obituaries for Sunday, February 26th
Everyone's favorite
Mike Rivera should have known better. The innocent always fall, and Mike thought that he would be safe getting some CPK. Oh, ho ho, it's so tragic. The ruthless Flynn Harne saw him and "quickly took a detour from my original route, crab-walked (for stealth) [...] and emerge thru a crowd of frat boys to shoot him in the chesticles." This should be a lesson to all of you, Kiddos: never trust pizza from California.
Obituaries for Monday, February 27th
This one really hurts. It deeply saddens me to report the loss of one of the most die-hard assassins lovin' players there is: Tanner Alvarez. this masochistic maniac has been waiting all semester to play again, and unfortunately fell at the hands of Hampshire College transfer Ryan Molloy. I don't know whether to be proud or disappointed, as I love Tanner's enthusiasm deeply, but Ryan is an adopted drama buddy of mine. It's hard. However, I am proud to say that Tanner did not go down without a fight. not even close. When I asked English New Wave band A Flock of Seagulls for comment, they replied " He ran... he ran so far away." Congratulations, Tanner, on a fight well fought, and congratulations, Ryan, on making your first kill at the good old Hof.
Dena Kline is reminding us all that she came in second last semester by making her second kill today. The honorable Flynn Harne was standing outside of Lowe, when Dena Walked out and shot him. He proceeded to shake her hand and call her the "Silent Killer", which she will hereafter be referred to as! So say we all! and Rest in Peace, Flarne-pop.
Isaiah Caleb Stanley... You were such a sweet boy. Innocent and care-free, you probably didn't expect the ruthless Hannah Schwartz to strike while the only possible witness wasn't looking! This sweet-faced lady is a charmer, and I want you all to watch out for her! For your own safety!
Chris Wentworth was gunned down today. This erroneous Polonius fell at the hands of
And last but not least, Tom Meyers wins the day. This sweet freshman killed four. Yes, four targets today in what can only be described as The Myers Massacre. Like... what?
Rachel Sutter was his first victim, gunned down outside of the worst class to have during Assassins season, the fated Drama 5.
Tragically, Tiffany Sebastian was the next to go at the hands of Tom Myers. Everyone's favorite sophomore was waiting in line for fries at bits when the audacious Tom saw fit to get her all wet. and Sookie don't like that. Sookie don't like that one bit. She took it like a sport, and in the end, had some french fries, which always make everything better.
Kate "Alaska" Spence was next line in The Myers Massacre. Hofstra advertises The Netherlands as a place for first years to get together and make connections. What they don't tell you about are the murderers lurking around every corner just waiting to make a connection from their gun to your chest. Freshmen? More like fresh meat.
And last but not least, the final kill I was alerted to of the day was that of Ashley Neglia. Everyone's favorite advice-dispensing alcohol-consuming English major was gunned down "right in the tit" on Monday evening, finally proving true the report card comment that all drama majors received in elementary school : "Doesn't play well with others". Ashley went down misquoting Shakespeare and smelling of Franzia. She will be missed.
And that's the state of things so far. 14 dead wet. 27 left dry. To the dead: you may rest. To the living: It's anyone's game now; is it yours?
No comments:
Post a Comment